Medicating Pets

No ... this isn't an April Fool's joke!

Here's a photo of this supposed wonder instrument for pill delivery to cats in action. Mmm hmm. And here's the easy enough - sounding instructions for deploying said pill using the "catpiller" device:

-"Giving your cat the tablet ensures he gets the full dose at the prescribed time. It is easier if you have 2 people.

-Put the cat on a table and approach him from behind so that you encircle him in your arms.

-Hold the front legs with your hands, and keep the cat close to your body to limit wriggling.

-The person giving the tablet puts her thumb and second finger of her left hand over the cat’s head on either side of the jaw. As the head is lifted up, the cat’s mouth starts to open.

-Holding the tablet between your thumb and forefinger, use your second finger to open the jaw.

-Drop the tablet down the back of the throat, and if you are quick enough, follow it down with a push with your forefinger to ensure it has disappeared.

-Using a pill popper or pill applicator makes the process much easier.

-If your cat struggles, you can try wrapping him in a towel so that only the head is protruding. Remember the faster the process, the less stress to your cat, and the less he has time to struggle."

Yeah. Mmm hmm. Want to know how it REALLY goes?? Then read on ...

-Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

-Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

-Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand, Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

-Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

-Retrieve cat from curtain rod; get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

-Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

-Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.

-Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

-Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

-Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

-Take last pill from foil wrap. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. Consume remainder of scotch.

-Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.

-Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

-Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from Hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

You say you need to give your dog a pill? Wrap it in bacon and toss it up in the air. (Lucky bastards!)

Now ... before I get any hate mail, here's the disclaimer: No cats were harmed while trying to medicate them, nor were they given away when medicating them pretty closely resembled the above scenario. Actually, I love my girls. I just have to laugh, though, about trying to medicate them. I hope you laughed, too.
~RWS